Its just one of those crying days

So today has been one of those “oh poor pitiful me” kind of days.

I took Aowyn to the doctor for her 4 month check up. Before I left Noah and I were joking about how much weight we thought she had gained and I said “2 pounds, Im really hoping for 2 pounds.” Her last appointment she barely gained any weight and the doctor said if she continued on that path then we would have to do some intervention. I was actually excited for her appointment. I mean Im no scale but she looked bigger to me, she sure has grown intellectually and is far more advanced at 4 months then any of her brothers were, so I thought she was doing good and I was rooting for those two pounds.

You can only imagine how my heart dropped and my eyes welled up with tears when I layed her on the scale and it flash 8 15 !!!! WHAT???? No weight gain not even one ounce. How is that possible? How could she not have gained anything? She eats like a champ. She isn’t fussy. She is such a happy baby. When I pump I get at least 5 ounces. So how is it that she hasn’t gained anything?

There I stood in stunned silence, hoping that the numbers were not real, that she really had gained weight. I mean at least Tayton, tiny little acid reflux Tayton, gained a few ounces between appointments. How could she not have gained even one tiny little ounce? In fact all she gained was 1/10th of a kilogram. And honestly she had her teething necklace on this time that she didn’t have on last time, that thing probably weighs 1/10th of a kilogram.

For the next hour, her doctor, Dr Moss, oh how I love our doctor, the resident, and I all talked about the million and one reasons there could be for her not gaining weight. I have joked with my friends in the past who have super chunk babies that they make heavy cream breast milk and I make low fat, skim milk as my breast milk. And it turns out that pretty right on key. I told me lactation consultant that a few years ago and she laughed and said there is no such thing. Well, sorry to break it to you, lady who has never had any kids OR breastfed, it can happen and there is such a thing. Im living proof, want to test me? In the end they took 3 vials of blood and are running some tests and want me to supplement with formula.

At this point, the mention of the dreaded word, FORMULA, the tears started coming! I don’t want to formula feed. I want to breast feed, this beautiful wonderful gift has been taken from me with 2 of my first 3 kids and how you want to take it from me again? Who am I without this? That’s my mom super power, making milk and feeding my beautiful babies. There is a bond that is felt when breastfeeding that I just cant explain. I love to hold them in my arms stare into their eyes, feel there little hands squeezing me and pulling off long enough to smile at me when I tell them how much I love them. And now you want me to stop? Well in all fairness they just want me to do half and half, but with my milk Im not sure it will stay in if I just got half and half.

I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home and told Noah, I cried for what is being taken from me. Something that they don’t even know if it will work, something that may or may not help her. It makes me sad to have this taken from me. I want my daughter to grow and be healthy, I want to do whats best for her, but doing something that you “think” may work (now mind you it didn’t work with Tayton) and then hoping it does, is really hard for me, because I know how good breast milk is and I love the bond that is formed.

I cried when the doctor called and told me her liver enzymes came back high, but that everything else looks fine and that he wants to test her for celiac, and lactose allergies. I cried for all that she might lose depending on the results of those tests. I have celiac so I know how hard it can be to live with out it, I cried because I don’t want her to suffer in any way. The tears came so hard I couldn’t see, I just wanted to hold my sweet baby in her arms and look into her eyes and kiss her sweet face. I want to provide her with the one thing I know I can.

So many people in the world look at women who don’t breatfeed as bad moms, who don’t care about their kids or who don’t want to go the extra step and breatfeed, they don’t care about why. I got asked while sitting in the lab getting my beautiful princesses blood drawn, “why is she so small?” I could see the look on her face and my heart sank, I went through this with Tayton, people telling me I was a bad mom because he was tiny and I must not have been feeding him, or I was neglecting him. We went through a huge ordeal of having the police called because people thought we were negligent parents, people who didn’t even know us and who looked at us like we were monsters because our baby was so small. People who had no idea how many tears I shed, or how many nights I spent up with my tiny baby worrying that he might not make it through the night. I look at him now and see how strong he is and I know that Aowyn will be fine. I just mourn the loss of what is being taken from me and from her. I cried when I gave her a bottle today and she keep pulling off and nustling her face into my shirt right over my breast and would start sucking on my shirt.

So here I am having my little pity party for myself and my daughter and I think, “As much as this sucks and I just want to cry about it all day, at least she is alive, at least I am alive, at least all my kids are alive and we are doing well in most aspects of our life.” I sit down on the computer to post a “please pray for aowyn” post on facebook and as I sit there I find an article about a young family who just lost there mother to cancer. I find another story about a young mother who’s toddler and husband went out canoeing on her birthday and never came home, they found her tiny sons body but not her husband’s. I continue to read and find another story about a family battling cancer in their 4 year old. I have a friend who is in the hospital with her 6 year old daughter who has a absess on her kidney and has an IV hooked up to her poor little arm trying to get rid of the abssess. So yeah, this sucks, yes something is being taken from me, but there are much worse things happening all around me, so I let the tears flow freely, today, but tomorrow I need to put on my big girl panties, buck up, put on a happy face and realize “this too shall pass” and that I always have the lord on my side. Its all going to be okay. Mourn today Aurie, but tomorrow move on.

UPDATE: I got a call a couple of hours ago from the doctor who wants her only on formula for the next week. I have to go back in and get her weighed on friday. I was trying to bottle feed her at bed time and she just screamed and screamed and kept turning her head and nustling into my chest and trying to eat. I broke down and cried. I have breast milk, lots of it and here my sweet little girl is, wanting it and I cant give it to her. Its so emotionally painful. I was bad and would put her on to breastfeed for a few minutes to calm her down.

We are crafty!

The boys love to draw and craft beautiful paintings for me. Who knew I had such budding little artists?
I love watching them create. I love that they love to create, I hope that as their mother I can foster in them a love for all things around them. I hope that they continue to enjoy being together, drawing pictures t0gether and telling me all the stories behind their drawings.

They like to dabble in a little bit of everything.

Landon is getting really good at writing and sounding out words to write, himself.

This says: Landon, Crab Walk, Limbo ( and because he realized his mistake with Limbo he rewrote.) "I like to do limbo and crabwalk." We limbo'd the night before as our family home evening activity and apparently he really liked it. :O)

Spring has sprung, so we live outside.

Landon has learned to ride his bike with out training wheels. He was on the verge of it last fall, he couldnt turn or get himself going, but since the weather has changed we now live outside and he is almost perfect at it now. It of course helps when there is cute neighbor girl named Hannah who is in his schools class and lives at the end of our street who can ride her bike and always wants Landon to come ride with her.

Braddoc loves his scooter and we will be getting him a bike for his birthday this summer. I have a feeling he is going to learn to ride it much faster then Landon did. At any rate, any time we get home they immediately grab their vehicle of choice and head out into the street. My cutie who loves to ride his bike and tells me all the time that he is wearing his helmet because thats what missionaries do. What an adorable little man. Whenever he sees someone riding with out a helmet he tells me that they are not being safe, Im so glad that he knows and trusts us and doesnt fight us on it.

Whenever the older two head out of the house to ride their bikes/scooters he will run in the house yelling either "donald" or "car" and I will follow him in and find him desperately trying to get one of his cars out the door to go ride outside with his brothers. Its pretty cute, because he does it every time, and of course he cant get the door open once it closes so there he is standing with his car trying to open the door or is someone in the house with his car caught on something yelling "donald" over and over. So sweet! I just love him.

Luck o the Irish

Noahs grandparents are Irish. All of our kids names are Irish or Celtic last names, so of course we have to go all out for St Patricks day. Plus Im the kind of mom that thinks any day that has excuse to celebrate something is a good day. :O) So of course we had to celebrate.

We ended our morning with some Lucky charms and a glass of Green milk. The boys loved having special cereal, they did not care much for the milk. :O) I should have known better because they are not big milk drinkers in the first place. Here is where the Leprechaun left our treasure. The boys had already found it before I even got up this morning. (notice tayton in just a diaper? the kid walks out of all his pants and is constantly getting stuff on his shirt, I feel like some days half the day he is in a diaper. poor guy) :O)

The leprechaun left us a trail of clues to find his treasure.

The naughty leprechaun also peed in our potty and left us little footprint on the toliet seat. the boys thought that was pretty funny! And tried to figure out how big the leprechaun was since he had to stand on the potty to pee he had to be small, but he wasnt tiny because he feet were not tiny, it was pretty funny listening to their leprechaun conversations that whole day.

My two oldest cuties!

The treasure that the leprechaun left us. Green chips, green gum, rainbow colored skittles and mike and ikes, green M and Ms rainbow colored ballons, and Tin Tin the movie

Naughty leprechaun left lots of messy footprints all over our house.

The footprints were made by a leprechaun who dipped his hand (that was made into a fist) in kids finger paint (mixed with soap because he wanted an easier clean up) and the toes were made from the tip of the pinkie finger being dipped in paint.

What do we do in the jenkins home...

We build forts. Lots and lots of forts, some are big, some are small. Some fit daddies some just fit kids. Mom has to work on her neat freak heart that screams "no pillows on the floor," and just let her kids be kids, cause I am postivie I will miss the forts when the little hands are not there to build them. Aowyn gives me the look of death. :O) I think she was done with me taking her pictures. On a side note, I got the outfit at a consignment sale last week for $2! whoa hoo.

Braddoc likes to get into my jewelry, this is a first with the nail polish. He made a very very small mess on the floor, none on his clothes and did a pretty good job of paiting his nails. He was trying to wash it off when I found him. Silly boy! He showed daddy and then we took it off.

Braddoc no longer takes naps, which is great for when its bedtime cause he passes out, but some days the guy is so exhausted I find him sleeping in all sorts of weird places, this one was rather normal. He cracks me up because now that I dont make him take naps, I find him asleep almost every other day, sometimes every day.

Someone is trying to roll over, she likes her back much more then her tummy.

I love this girl, I love her smiles, her coos and that she talks to us ALL the time. I can tell that later in life she is going to be just like her mommy and talk our ear off.

He loves to be near baby. He wants to be right on top of her most of the time.

Such a cute cheesier! I could just squeeze him and kiss him and kiss him and squeeze him all day (and some days I do). Man I love this kid. Look at that adorable dimple.

And then he does stuff like this and gets into TROUBLE!!! He is such a mess, but then he looks at me and smiles or runs and gives me a big hug and its hard to put him in time out. But I do, and then he is even cuter when he is in there.

Jenkins house of madness :O)

I adore my kids. I adore being their mom. I enjoy each and every day that I get to wake up to them and see all the silly things they do. I have to admit that some days are WAY easier then others to be a nice, "good" fully commited mom. Some days I just want to finish my book, sew a blanket or write a blog post with out being interupted a 1001 times. I pray every day that I will be a fully commited mom and always put my hubby, and kids before myself. Its a work in progress. And the older two are pretty good about giving me some "aurie time" so I can regain my sanity.

The following is a picture journey through the last week of my life as a mom. After putting all these up here, I decided to do a day in the life of each kid, all the silly, crazy, messy, lovey things they did one on day. So stay tuned for that.

Tayton has a smile that lights up a room. He is such a happy kid. I love his one little (giant) dimple. When his big brothers go outside to play Tayton takes advantage and plays with the big boy toys. Usually they let him play, but sometimes they scream "get the baby away." So he takes every opportunity he can to play.

Oh mom, just stop taking pictures please.

Braddoc loves to be naked. I dont know why, and I am not sure where he got it. I will walk out to find him playing in the sand in just his underware. I will turn around in the house and see him walking through the kitchen, in just his underware. Its pretty funny! He loves to play in the sand and can usually be found out there in the sand.

Braddoc has to run everywhere he goes. He is always running. But if he is not running he is walking SO SLOW!!!

He sticks his tongue out ALL the time. Always, about everything. and always follows it by saying Blah!

He loves to jump on the trampoline with his brothers, until he ends up on the mat and cant get up, and then its the end of the world.

When Landon is at school, Braddoc and Tayton are good buds and play a lot together.

He loves to get into the cabinets and find bowls and lids and all sorts of thigns to use in his silly adventures.

She sleeps so well sitting in the sun and when its loud. I didnt even know she was sleepy, she had just barely woke up. But there she was trying to roll over and go to sleep.

This is the super crying super snoty face you get when you torture Tayton with a Fudgesicle. I was laughing so hard. He is not a fan of cold things, unless its a straight up popsicle. I dont know why, its pretty funny. Dont worry as soon as I snapped the picture I got him out cleaned up and cuddled.

Landon is such a good big brother. I find him talking to Aowyn a lot and trying to calm her down. He is a good big helper (when he is in the mood.) :O)

These boys are such stair steps. I cant keep them clothed. Landon just out grew his 4t pants in October, by decemeber Braddoc (two years younger) was wearing the 4t. Landon is now out of the 5t (less then 4 months later) and Braddoc is sporting near high water 4t pants. What the what?! Its just craziness. Tayton is still my little man who can wear 12 month shirts and his 18 month pants fall off, but Im sure in the not so distant future we will have trouble with him outgrowing clothes so fast too. If you look in the picture, Landon and Braddocs hips are almost at the same spot. Dang long legged Beibers.

Braddoc always wants me to take silly pictures with him. I guess I forgot to make a silly face.

We got Braddoc a camera for christmas because he lovese to take picture but he still would rather use our camera. So I find random pictures like this on the camera. :O)

We give lots of hugs around here.

We also give lots of loves while playing with puzzles, which we also do a lot of.

Tayton makes this face all the time. And he also puts everything in his mouth, all the time. He does it way more then any of my others. This little mans nickname is trouble, and for good reason.

Just chillin with daddy.

They love to go outside and color on the drive way. The problem is, they dont stick to the drive way, they always seem to make it out into the street, and we have a killer HOA who frowns upon kids having fun, or so it seems. I love to see their drawings. The corner of the picture is Damon one of our good friends, who lives right behind us, our yards connect, so he hangs out on the fence a lot and comes over to play a lot, he is great kid and they boys love to play with him.

Landon got a dollar from the tooth fairy for his first lost tooth. Dang inflattion. :O)

Tayton is not so good with chalk, he is eats it, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! one day, one day oh one day, we will be outside and I wont be having to chase after tayton to dig rocks, chalk and other lovely things out of taytons mouth. Ah this kids makes me laugh and smile all the time. The tooth is loose. He is about to lose his first tooth. That thing was barely hanging out. I went out one night and was so afriad it was going to come out while I was gone. Thankfully it did not.

First lost tooth. It came out while he was at school. He came running out with it in a bag, showing me, so happy he lost it. Since it was barely in there it didnt even bleed at all. He took his tooth to Mrs. C (his teacher) and showed her the tooth, she put it in a back and was shocked he wasnt bleeding. I am proud of him and how well he handled it. I came home and made him a tooth fairy pillow for his tooth to go in. :O)