Trials of Life- Quotes

I sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I occasionally get the all consuming feeling that my trials are more then I can handle.
Yesterday Noah and I were sitting on the edge of our bed talking about everything that we had going on at that time and Noah let out a huge sigh and said, "I feel like we are getting beat up by life's trials right now." I agreed, it has felt that way lately. I have felt the pressure of life's obstacle pushing down on my shoulders from so many different directions. I feel like as soon as I have a firm grip on one trial another one is rearing its ugly head.

 All of us have to endure trials on a very regular basis. I am grateful for the relationship that I have with my Father in Heaven because those feelings of being trapped or weighed down with a trial don't seem to last very long for me. Usually no more then a day here and there do I feel overwhelmed by it all and its in those moments that I kneel in prayer and ask Heavenly Father to help me endure the trial, happily. I ask him to take away the feelings of failure and the weight of the pressure that I have hanging out on my shoulders. I ask him to help me more clearly see his daily tender mercies and to help me see that my trials are for my own good. I often joke with Noah that we really need to learn what we are supposed to learn from each trial because I don't want to go through that trial again, but the reality is each and every trial is a learning experience and a chance for growth. Someone once asked me which of my lifes trials would I have taken away from me if I could go back and chose. The answer is pretty easy, none of them (and Ive had some doozies) , I would chose to keep them all, because it is through them that I have come to be who I am today. Taking away any of my trials would be taking away from myself that little piece of beauty that I earned through enduring well my trial. I used to ask for God to take my trials away, but as I have grown I have realized that I need him to take away the pain, the fear and the debilitating feelings that trials cans bring and I need him to walk hand in hand with me through the trial.

 I read a blog a few months back that said "God does give us more then we can handle but he doesn't give us anything we can't handle WITH HIS HELP." I love the beauty in that. People often say that God doesnt give us more then we can handle, but thats simply not true, he gives us plenty of things we can't handle. If he gave us trials we could handle then there would be no growing or turning to him for help and guidance and peace. He gives us more then we can handle on a very regular basis, but he will NEVER give us something we can't handle with out also giving us his help. His hand is stretched out to help us always and lift us and relieve us from our pain. We are not capable of handling our trials on our own but we are always capable of handling them with his help.

I find myself turning to him with tears in my eyes often, pleading with him for help. I pour out my sorrows and fears unto him so that he can pour blessings back in. I don't always get the answer that I want to the the questions I ask or to the pleadings of my heart but I always get peace followed by some type of answer. Recently I got an answer to a prayer that was really not the answer I wanted. In fact it was probably one of the farthest things from the answer that I wanted, however with that answer came an overwhelming amount of peace, Peace that I desperately needed. As the days have progressed I have prayed to ask Heavenly Father to help me continue to find peace in his answer and to continue to find happiness in that answer. Its baby steps to get to that full time feeling of peace for me this time, when I think about all that his answer entales and how its so far from some of the things we are striving for in our family I get a little sad, but then I simply ask to feel that peace again and the saddness leaves. I am finding small blessings that are coming out of the woodwork on a very steady basis, showing me that the Lords path is indeed, as always, the right path. I just love those tender mercies.

Whenever I hear a quote that has anything to do with enduring trials I write it down so that I can come back to read it often.
My all time favorite scripture was a revelation given to Joseph Smith, The Prophet, while he was in Liberty Jail. The conditions in Liberty Jail were horrible, the members of the Latter Day Saint faith were suffering from persecutions. Joseph Smith pleads with his Father to help them.

D&C121

 1 O God, ^awhere art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy ^bhiding place?

 2 ^aHow long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?

 3 Yea, O Lord, ^ahow long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful ^boppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with ^ccompassion toward them?

And then the Lord answers in one of the most beautiful passages of scripture.

 7 My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

 8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

 9 Thy ^afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy ^afriends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

I try to remember that my time here on this earth is such a small span in time compared to the eternities. I pray daily and ask the Lord to help me ENDURE MY TRIALS WELL. I am reminded of Job who lost EVERYTHING, friends, wealth, family, job, home and everything else he possessed and he still praised the Lord and continued to commune with him in love.

I wanted to share with ya'll some of my favorite quotes that I have come to cherish through out the last few years. Some of these quotes have come to me at different times in my life, while I was experiencing different trials and they have helped lift me to a higher, more peaceful and Christ centered plain.

"Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord.... Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation." -Brigham Young

"Don't be upset at something that is happening at 9 in the morning, when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6 in the evening." - Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"God loves us just the way we are, but he loves us enough to not leave us like this. He is not done with us yet. He knows we can be better and he wants that for us." -Brad Wilcox

Jeremiah 31:16-17
"Thus saith the Lord: Refrain they voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord.... and there is hope in thine end, saith the Lord."

"Why did the Lord put Abraham through the experience of being asked to sacrifice his own son? Obviously God knew that Abraham would be willing to do anything God commanded, and if that was so, why did the Lord put him through such a test? Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham." -Hugh B. Brown

When we withhold nothing from the Lord he will withhold nothing from us.

"The Saviors gift of grace to us is not necessarily limited in time to 'after' all we can do. We may receive his grave before, during and after the time when we expend our own efforts." - Bruce C. Hafen

"Grace shall be like a day. As dark as night may become we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the Grace of Jesus. We don't earn a sunrise. It always just comes. It's constant."-Brad Wilcox

"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good miserable day once in awhile, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life."-Boyd K. Packer

"For the last days are not for the faint of heart or the spiritually out of shape. There will be days when we feel defeated, exhausted and plain old beat-up by life's whiplash. People we love will disappoint us and we will disappoint them. We'll almost certainly struggle with some kind of physical appetite, and perhaps several. Some days it will feel as though the veil between heaven and earth is made of reinforced concrete. And we may even face a crisis of faith. In fact, we can count on experiencing trials that will test our faith because how do we know if we really have a testimony, if we'll really obey, if we really want to be honest and chaste and virtuous, and if we really believe in Jesus Christ, if those things aren't put to the test."- Sheri Dew

(The quote by Sheri Dew came to me during a time when I was experiencing a great trial. I had just gotten diagnosed with Graves Disease and the world seemed very bleak. I laid in bed for days wallowing in my own self pity. I had a friend come lay in bed with me and try to make me feel better but nothing seemed to help. After a few days I asked my husband for a Priesthood blessing, {go here to find out more about those} I needed to feel peace and comfort and needed to find the faith and strength to get back on my feet and start enduring well my trial. My blessing was beautiful and brought me great strength. I was told that my trial would not last forever and that through my experiences I would be able to help other people. I was told that my trial was not mine alone but that it would be for other people's good as well. I was told to share my story and help others find their strength through my strength and faith in the Lord. At the end of the blessing, with tears rolling down my face I felt the great power of my Savior and I realized that I could not tell him no. I could not ask for my trial to be taken from me because it was not just a trial for me, it was a trial to bless others. How could I say no to that? How could I tell the Lord that I didn't want the blessings that would come through this trial? I moved on from that blessing with comfort and strength and that very same night I ran across the quote by Sheri Dew. I was not exempt from trials because I had faith in the Lord. I was not the only one experiencing trials that shook ones self to their very core. I want to let my Lord shape me and mold me into who he needs me to be. He sees my great potential and I often times need to pass through trials to understand my strength and to strengthen my testimony.)

"The Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones, and maybe our own, figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But he doesn't leave us in the ashes; he stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where his spirit can dwell eternally.”-Linda Reeves

"There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith. When you find yourself in such circumstances, I plead with you to remember prayer."- Thomas S. Monson

Prayer can change the darkest of nights into the most brightest and glorious of days. There is great Power and Strength in falling to our knees in fervent, soul searching prayer. The Lord has promised us access to all of his great Love and all of his great Power, we need only ask. Knock and it shall be opened to you, seek and yea shall find. I hope that when we are all going through such all consuming trials that we turn to the Lord and pour our hearts out unto him. When we pour out our sufferings, our sorrows, our unbelief and our pain unto the Lord in sacred prayer he is able to pour back into us peace, comfort, strength and ultimate endurance. Turn to the Lord in times of sorrow and in times of peace, he is always there, no matter how long it has been since you last spoke with him. He is anxiously awaiting our call to him.

PS. I wrote this a few days ago and just got around to posting it.

What reality do you portray?

Yesterday I had a headache. Which really is nothing new for me, I get them a lot.

But yesterdays headache came after several weeks of pretty crummy health problems that left me bedridden for a significant amount of days.

Normally I would just lay on the couch all day watching movies with whatever kids were home, do some cereal for dinner (which my kids think is like the coolest thing ever, go figure) and then hope and pray they all just went to bed nicely and didn't fight with each other. 

But frankly I was tired of being sick. 

I was tired of spending my life as a mom laying on the couch and watching my children fend for themselves. 

I was tired of cringing every time my beautiful children laughed with each other.

I was tired of avoiding playing with them because it just made my body hurt more.

I was tired of feelings like a mediocre, always sick, mom.

So this time I decided to try and push through.

I get a lot of headaches, like I said before, so pushing through and just living with a headache and trying to force a smile in spite of the battle raging in my head is nothing new. 

I fixed fried chicken for dinner and tried to laugh at the kids jokes at dinner but by the time dinner was over and I had been head butted and hit in the head with a toy car, I gave in to the war in my head and laid down on the couch.

Tayton, my 3 year old, kept laying next to me and rubbing my head and telling me he was protecting me from the loud noises. 

Aowyn, my 2 year old, kept kissing my face and laying on top of me.

Landon, my 7 year old, got everyone ready for bed.

Braddoc, my 5 year old, would talk loud and immediately follow it up by, "Sorry mom, Ill try to be more quiet."

They all were being so sweet and trying so hard to help me, and really all it did was cause another battle to begin in my head..... the guilt trip kind.

I'm sure we have all been there as moms. 

We have had those days where we look back at the end of the day and feel like we failed miserably at our one job.

We have those days where we go to peek in on our sweet sleeping angels and our eyes well up with tears because we so vividly remember how many times we yelled at them and why we yelled and we kick ourselves because we realize that there was no good reason for it at all.

We have those days that we replay in our head over and over again and wish that we could have changed so many things. We wish that we would have done things differently.

We have those days where we just feel absolutely defeated.

I hate those days. I really, really, really loathe them.

Because I'm not a bad mom, I think I'm a pretty great mom. 

But in the quiet of the night, when the noise has calmed down and the chaos has ceased, we can find ourselves lost in thought. We can re-asses all the events of the day and often times we can feel like we just didn't measure up to the person we want to be.

Last night was one of those nights for me.

When I finally made my way to bed I began to sob.

I tried to hold back the tears. I tried not to let the flood gates open, because I knew that once they did there would be no closing them until all the tears had found their way out.

Needless to say, I was not successful.

I sobbed until my snot and tears ran together.

I sobbed until my chest hurt from heaving in and out.

I sobbed until I could barely breath.

I cried because I was tired of being sick. I cried because of all the moments in my life that were robbed from me because of my kidney disease and because of Graves disease. I cried because of bowls of cereal being eaten for dinner. I cried because my sweet 7 year old boy had to get his siblings ready for bed. I cried because my 3 year old has gotten so good at taking care of me. I cried because my 5 year old had to say sorry every time he laughed or yelled out of excitement. I cried because I just wanted to be healthy and feel good for a real, solid, significant amount of time.

 I cried because I was angry. I was angry about everything. 

 I was angry that my body would not let me be the mom I wanted to be. I was angry because I felt like my mind was alive and wanting to break free but my body was weak and failing me. 

I was angry because I want so much more for my kids then them having a life where they are so used to their mom being sick that they know so well how to take care of me.

I was angry because of all the guilt I felt.

Mostly I was angry because in my moment of weakness I felt very alone. 

I feel like we as mom's (as people) try to hide all the bad stuff.

We only talk about the good. 

We talk about how perfect our lives are, and how amazing everything is everyday.

We do this because its easier to talk about these things, its a lot easier to talk about our strengths then it is to admit our weaknesses.

People treat us like we are terribly horrible people when we talk about how hard things are. They tell us we are being "negative" and that when we have a negative opinion its hard to be happy.

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that, "LIFE'S NOT PERFECT!! SOMETIMES LIFE IS REALLY, REALLY HARD!" 

Talking about how hard it is and sharing with each other when we have a rough day, or sharing with each other our inner most feelings of guilt or failure is not a negative thing. In fact I think it can be a positive thing. 

I think that when we start to share these things with each other, when we stop hiding our pain and our hardships behind a fake wall of "perfectness" we start to realize that we are not alone. 

We start to realize that we are all to one degree or another, the same. 

When I'm crying at night and feeling down on myself and wishing that things were so different, I can't help but be a little jealous of all the moms I know out there who have it so much easier then me. Mom's who aren't raising 4 kids. Moms who aren't raising a child with Autism. Mom's who don't have headaches every day. Mom's who don't have health problems plaguing their lives. Mom's who don't struggle with any big problems in their lives. I think about all these moms and I wonder why my life is so much harder then theirs. 

Once the tears dry, and the anger fades though, I realize what a lie it was to be jealous of all those moms. What a false reality it was that I was wishing for. A false reality created by other women, other people, who act like they have no struggles, and if they do have struggles who act like they handled it so gracefully. When we hide behind false images of reality and sell these images to other people we are creating a whole huge world filled with people being burdened down by guilt. 

Its not real, the idea that there is a perfect, trial free, struggle free person out there.

 None of us is with out trials. None of us is without the dreaded mom guilt, or the scars on our hearts caused by regretful decisions we have made. 

I am surrounded by people who I really know nothing about. 

People who consume my mind on nights like last night.

People whose false lives float through my mind and cause me to shed painful and jealous tears.

I think of these people who have never shared their struggles with others, and who never share their weaknesses and I realize that they do this because of their own fears.... their fears of being seen as weak, or imperfect.

Oh how silly this all is.

How silly this false reality is.

Who does it help? Who does it strengthen and uplift?

Certainly not me, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

This morning when I woke up and my mind was clearer and free from false realities, I was able to ponder on my female heroes. The women whose paths I have had the pleasure to cross and who have shared with me their own trials and feelings of weakness. I think about the other women I know who battle nasty health problems and the women who have gone through bitter, pain filled divorces. I think about the women who have shared with me their inner most fears and feelings of inadequacies and I think about how much I admire these women and how much I hope I am like them. When I think about these great women in my life I see them as everything good in this world. I see them as the champions of motherhood. I never see them as weak or negative or shameful. These women are the reality that we should hold on too. They are the reality we should think about when we are feeling down and less then perfect. 

When we feel alone and when the tears won't stop coming, we need not see the false realities of women blasted on Facebook or parading around in front of us. What we should really see is these women of strength and of courage, the real women. The women who know what we are going through because they are going through it too. That is reality. That is what we should share.

And that is what will help dry our tears and give us the courage to continue on, and get back up every time we fall and feel that all consuming guilt.

I know that I have many more days like yesterday ahead.

I know that there are many more tear filled nights in my future.

And I hope and pray that in those moments that I won't ever again feel alone but that I will realize I am in great company and that that knowledge will give me strength.

Agency and why God doesn't have control over everything

The past few days I have been seeing a lot of news stories talking about parents abusing their little children. Most of the time I can't even stomach finishing reading the article because I am just so saddened and sickened by these events. 

Most of the time I'm sure we tend to think, "Why?" 

Why did God send these babies to those families?

Why could these people have kids when so many great people can't?

Why were such sweet spirits allowed to suffer so much? 

Why would these people ever resort to such behavior with their children?

Of course I don't have all the answers.

I don't know why people do the things they do, or why they choose to abuse precious little spirit children of God.

But I do know part of the answer to most of these questions and the answer has everything to do with AGENCY.

We teach that agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and “to act for [ourselves] and not to be acted upon.” ¹ Agency is to act with accountability and responsibility for our actions. Our agency is essential to the plan of salvation. With it we are “free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil.”-Robert D. Hales

As part of my faith in God as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I know that he does not just sit in Heaven and watch these events transpire and do nothing. 

He may not be able to step in and change the course of events, but he does weep for his beautiful little spirit children. He sees the pain that comes upon them and I know without a doubt in my mind that God loves these children so much that he wishes with everything he can that he could just swoop in and physically take them in his arms and protect them for the evils of this world.

He does the same thing for each one of us when we are suffering, or lonely or depressed. 

He wants to remove whatever it is in our lives and in these sweet babies lives that is causing the pain, but he can't.
Not because he doesn't love us, but because he does.

When we were in heaven we all made the choice to come to this earth to receive bodies and to be placed in situations that would be hard, so that we could grow. 

"We are in the mortal life to get an experience, a training, that we couldn't get any other way. And in order for us to become gods, it is necessary for us to know something about pain, about sickness, and about the other things that we partake of in this school of mortality."

-Joseph Fielding Smith

We had to come here to gain experiences that we would not be able to get in Heaven.

Adam and Eve came to earth and partook of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil so that we could all come to this earth. That great act was the first use of Agency and from then on, every person was sent here to exercise that same Agency.

We are all given situations where we have to make a choice every day and each of those choices comes with a consequence, good or bad. There is always a consequence. We are all beset with human frailties and weaknesses and we all make a bad choice every now and then. Life wasn't meant to be easy or blissful every second, if that were the case we would still be in heaven, learning nothing and never knowing true joy.

If you really think about it, its the times after the great trials of our life, when the darkness fades and the sun shines bright that we really learn what joy is and when we really learn what true gratitude is.

One of my favorite quotes as a kid was by Dolly Parton,

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

I think that the beauty doesn't come till after our trial of faith.

Its not till after we have been tested and come out victorious that we really see how strong we are and how loved and blessed we are. 

“It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life.”- Boyd K Packer

There is great PURPOSE in our struggle in life. 

Its not always clear to us what that purpose is. 

Its up to us to exercise our faith in God and to trust him, to know that he sees the big picture when we can not. He sees the work of art he is creating in each of us as we struggle through life and as we find and learn true joy.

I heard a poem years ago that brings tears to my eyes every time I read it,

“Life is but a Weaving” (the Tapestry Poem)

“My life is but a weaving

Between my God and me.

I cannot choose the colors

He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those

Who leave the choice to Him.”

― Corrie ten Boom

We don't know what God has planned for us, just like I don't know what Gods plan was for these children or their parents. I don't know if the Mother who beat her child was give a trial where she needed to learn patience and she made the CHOICE to give into her human frailty over and over again until she lost all sight of who she was and became carnal and selfish and these acts lead her to commit a terrible crime for which she seemed to feel no remorse. God doesn't have control over that. He can't make her choice for her but I know with ever fiber of my soul that he is right there with those sweet babies holding them tightly and weeping for them and with them every time they are placed in these horrible situations.

Know this, that ev’ry soul is free

To choose his life and what he’ll be;

For this eternal truth is giv’n:

That God will force no man to heav’n.

I have a mother who was given the trial in life of Bipolar Disorder.

As a child I was the victim of her rage on many occasions. 

I can remember so many nights crying and pleading with God to take me away from this home.

EVER SINGLE TIME he came to me or he sent angels to me to bring me peace and comfort.

Through a terrible situation I was blessed to be able to grow a deep testimony of my Heavenly Father because he wept with me when I wept and held me close when I felt so very alone.

I wish that these parents on the news had simply turned to their Father in Heaven and pleaded for his help and guidance in their times of struggle and that these sweet innocent little babies would be spared the pain they had to endure. But I have no control over their Agency, only they do.

I have no control over the choices they decide to make or the directions of the path they choose to take, only they do. And I know as a mother that I ache for my children when I see them make a wrong choice or slip up. I want to rush in and pick them up and fix the situation for them, but sometimes that's not helping them. Sometimes I have to watch them stumble and fall and rejoice with them when they learn how to get back up. If I feel that way as an earthly mother, surely our God, our Father, in Heaven feels this same way, but to a degree that we as mortals will never understand. 

The answer to ALL my Whys, is not a simple one, nor will I know all the answers here in this life, but I do know the God doesn't LET these things happen to people, he LET'S people make their own choices and exercise their own Agency because that was part of the plan of coming to earth. I also know that God doesn't just sit by and idly watch these tragic events transpire. He weeps for them and pleads for them to stop and to turn to him. He wraps these babies up in his arms and protects them as best as he can. And sometimes he takes these babies home with him, to a place where they will never know such pain again, to a place where they will be protected and loved and watched over. 

God doesn't make or let these things happen, People do!

But God is always there, doing anything and everything he can to bring some light into the darkness.

(To learn more about what Mormon's believe about Agency go here.)

My brother in laws accident

Our family has recently gone through a major life changing event. A week and a half before Christmas, on Sunday December 15th around 5:45 am, we were awoken by a call from my mother in law. We know if she is calling this early that it can't be good news. We were informed that my 18 year old brother in law was in a car wreck in the early hours of the morning. He suffered from a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma. As soon as we were sure people from Noahs work were awake, we began making phone calls trying to get Noah and I on the soonest plane to Alaska that we could. None of the airlines had very many flights opened since it was Christmas time and every airline that did have tickets were not willing to do bereavement flights. We finally made the decision to just send Noah because we could not afford to spend $3,000 dollars on tickets, ($1500 a piece) and the only return flight they could get for both of us was after Christmas and after all we were going through I could not bare the thought of leaving my kids at home with out us for Christmas. Landon had been diligently counting down the days until Christmas and I felt this giant hole in the pit of my stomach when I thought about not being with my kids for Christmas. 

Noah ending up leaving just 2.5 hours after his ticket was bought. We went through a lot of fuss at his work about this. They wanted him to wait until the next day, (when it was not a weekend day.) They told him that if he did not come in to sign and submit his leave that he could be considered AWOL. This was very disappointing to us to see his work be so unwilling to lend a hand in our time of need. When Noah's Dad died in 2009 (click here to read about Kurt)  his work in Vegas bent over backwards to help us in any way possible, this was definitely a different work environment for us. Noah was finally able to get a hold of his boss and was given the go ahead to leave (he was already on the plane at this point.) I remember dropping him off and bawling my eyes out on the drive home. I kept having to wipe my tears away so that I could see where I was going. I took a wrong exit and ended up taking a longer way home then I planned on. Noah called at one point on my drive home to tell me that they found a fracture in Keyns neck and this did nothing to help dry my tears. I felt like the flood gates that had been working so hard to keep the tears away, finally could not handle it anymore and just burst open. I had been trying so hard to be the strong one for Noah, but Noah was gone and I was alone and their was no one around that I needed to be strong for.

I picked up the kids from a friends house and tried so hard to hide my tears. I did not want them to be scared or confused. When we got home I sat down with them and talked to them and cried with them. I don't think they really understood, or still really understand what is going on. 

That night and on into the next day I felt very numb and dark inside. I wanted so badly to be there for my husband and sister in laws and mother in law. I wanted to be there to hold them and to cry with them and to just be a part of the decision making. I wanted to be there for Keyn and his girlfriend. I talked to my sister in law on the phone on the way to take Noah to the airport and when she told me she wanted me there I thought a giant hole had been ripped open even bigger deep inside of me. I felt like I was betraying his family by not going. I wanted to be there for them but I also wanted to be there for me. I wanted to see Keyn and to talk to him and to let him know how much I loved him. I wanted to be around all the people who loved Keyn and just be able to cry with them. I didn't want to deal with day to day things, like fixing lunch and taking the kids to school and breaking up fights and go on living life like nothing was wrong.

 Monday went by in a giant blur, I don't remember much that was happening. I let the kids stay home from school and they basically ran around with free reign. I had a friend come over and keep me company but it did not do much to dispel the darkness that seemed to be taking over my insides. I got more phone calls from Noah letting me know how Keyn was and any new news they had. We were told that when they found Keyn on the scene of the accident that on the Glasgow Coma Scale Keyn was a 3 (the worst rating, 15 being the best). We also found out that he was not wearing a seat belt and they had hit a patch of black ice and ran into a pole while driving to get a late night meal from Taco Bell. The driver and 2 other passengers sustained much less severe injuries. The friend sitting next to Keyn, who was in the vehicle on the side of impact, broke his pelvis. The pole went into his side of the vehicle and should have killed him, they think that what saved him was Keyn pulling him out of the way. Keyns head flopped back and forth on the impact and his brain scrapped the top of his skull, something called sheering, which basically means it cut part of the brain away. He was bleeding from his ears and nose which was the immediate evidence of the sheering.

I put the kids to bed much later then usual and went downstairs and sat on the couch and bawled into a pillow. I thought about my brother in law and the life that he led. I thought about how many times Noah and I wished that we were there in Alaska to help out his family after his Dad died. I thought about what a great uncle Keyn was to our kids and how much they loved him. I thought about how many times Keyn would ask for mine and Noahs advice on things when we would visit. I thought about the adorable little boy who always wanted to hang out with me when Noah and I started dating. I thought about how lost and sad Keyn has seemed since their Dad died. I looked at pictures of him and the kids and just kept thinking about the future and how unknown it was for him. As much as I wanted him to be okay and to wake up from his coma, I just wasn't sure this would be the case. I thought about how young he was and how much of his life he still had ahead. I thought about his girl friend and how hard all of this must be on her. I cried until I thought I had no tears left and then I prayed my heart out. I asked my Father in Heaven for some peace. I told him that I did not know how I was supposed to go on with life as usually while Noah sat in a hospital watching his brother sleep. I told him that I did not know if I was strong enough for this. I wrestled with him over the thoughts that I had in my mind. I asked him why this? why now? what more can this family possibly take and still survive? I told him how much I needed one of my very best friends Kirsten, who lives in New Mexico. I just felt like I needed someone there to help me not get lost in my thoughts that were surely leading me to a much darker place then I already was in.

After I pleaded with the Lord to ease my ache and to ease the ache of my family members I called my mom to tell her the latest news on Keyn. Not even 5 minutes into the conversation I hear a knock at my door. It was nearly 11 pm and I had no idea who could be here at such a late hour. I opened the door and standing there with her two little girls and holding her new born baby boy was Kirsten. The tears started to flow again. My prayers of only a few minutes before had been answered. My dear friend drove for 17 hours with her 3 little ones in tow, the week before Christmas to come be with me. I don't think I have ever in my life been so happy to see some one standing at my door. Her oldest daughter told me that they came because thats what you do for family, and we were their family. I can not even begin to explain the love that I have for this family. We have been through so much together. Kirsten has become one of my life lines and I am so blessed to have her in my life. As soon as she got the phone call from me about Keyn and about my wanting to be there with them she offered to come watch my kids, so that I could go be there with my family. After this fell through she talked to her husband and told him that I was not able to get a ticket to go up there, he told her to "go". He said that I needed her and that he wanted her to come be with me. What a true blessing this family is in my life.

The next week was hard on both of us. I was still struggling with my feelings of wanting to be in Alaska, while we had 7 kids all 7 and under running around the house. Emotions were running high. As much as the kids all love and adore each other, being stuck in a house for days on end was wearing on them as it was with Kirsten and I. (We also were "blessed" with a major snow storm that left us home bound. And resulted in our van getting stuck in the drive way several times. Thankfully I had some guardian angels watching over me who came to shovel our drive way and walks several times.) There were silly little arguments and fights happening all over the place, but every night when it was calm and quiet, I would get lost in my thoughts and the darkness would start to slip back in I had Kirsten to turn to. She kept me sane. I think both of us were going insane with the kids, but truth be told Im not sure I would have survived the week with out her. I would take the craziness of our kids that week a million times more rather then going through that week alone. We sat up at night and just talked and I cried and she let me. I could not even begin to count the number of times that she and I have been their for each other just to be a shoulder for the other one to cry on. Kirsten used to live in Alaska, so she knew Keyn and Noah's whole family and having that person who knew them all first hand and cared about them too did so much to ease my heart and helped keep the darkness at bay. Noah came home the Saturday before Christmas and Kirsten left that Sunday. It was so hard to say goodbye to her. She is like a sister to me in every sense of the word except for blood relations. 

I grew so close to my Heavenly Father that week, and in the weeks since Keyns accident. I have felt a bond to him that I don't think I have ever really felt in such a deep and profound way. I knew with utmost certainty that he was aware of me and of the deep pleadings of my heart. He sent Kirsten to me before I even asked for her. I knew then, that without a shadow of a doubt that my Father in Heaven knew me. That he knew my brother in law and that he was watching over him. I felt such an overwhelming amount of peace when I just let the darkness go. When I turned my pain over to him and realized that I was holding onto fear. A fear of the unknown. A fear of what the future held for Keyn. A fear of the pain that was to come for all of us in the coming weeks. The fear and despair were feeding the darkness inside of me and when I gave that over to my Father in Heaven I felt such a brightness of peace and of hope came over me. I still did not know what the future would hold for our family. I had no idea if Keyn would wake up and what kind of life he would have if and when he did, but I did know that my Father in Heaven was also Keyn's Father in Heaven and that his love for Keyn was so much more than any of his earthly family could possible imagine. I knew that Keyn was surrounded by God and by his love. I knew that for what ever reason, our family was supposed to go through this trial. That what ever lay at the end of this path was more then any of us could ever comprehend at this time. 

It has been a month now since Keyns accident and he is still in a coma. He can move his head around and shakes his legs, Noahs oldest sister has named this act "crazy legs" because of how much they shake and move. He has opened his eye lids a little and will respond to questions people ask by squeezing their hands. He only does these things sometimes, and we think they are during moments when his mind is awake and not resting. We all talk to him and his sisters read to him. Noah tries to talk to him every night over facetime. They have put in a trache and a feeding tube and ended up shaving his head. I joke with him that he is not going to like it very much, because he has been in love with his hair for as long as I have known him. The last time I joked with him about this is moved his mouth like he was chewing something. This is the exact same thing Noah does when he sleeps, something I have teased him about for years because it literally sounds like he is eating a four course meal in his sleep. I almost wondered if he was trying to say something to me and when I told him he was doing the same thing Noah does in the middle of the night, he shook his head. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes because I felt so strongly that he heard me and was trying so hard to communicate. A friend of the family told us to start looking for signs of his communication. She said that since coma patients can't talk they have to find other ways to communicate and that Keyn had those patterns for communication we just had to figure out what they were.

 He looks so peaceful and thin and frail laying there in the hospital bed. I often wonder how much time he is spending talking to Heavenly Father and wondering how much he will remember when he wakes up. I wonder if he has seen his dad and has got to visit with family members who have passed away. I wonder if he is spending time learning things from Heavenly Father. I wonder if he is scared, trapped inside a body that won't work. Or if he even understands whats going on. We still do not know when he will wake up or what kind of life he will lead after he does. But what I do know is that God's love is infinite. There is no end to his power and his mercy and grace. He doesn't see us as random people, he sees us as his children. Noah said at one time while he was up in Alaska they heard the song, "He's got the whole world in his hands." And I can say that I firmly believe that. I don't know what stands in store for Keyn and for our family. I don't know what all the future holds for us, or what pain and heart ache is to come. But I do know that the Lord knows and I have faith in the him and part of that means having faith in his plan and in his timing. As long as I am willing to give that pain over to him, he is there willing to take it and he is there to hold me until I am ready to stand again. 

How beautiful that knowledge is.

How grateful I am for the peace that he brings to me when my insides feel so dark.

I am a Mormon

The Mormon church has been in the news a lot lately. 

Mitt Romney is Mormon and running for president, so the world wants to know as much as they can about him.

The problem is, is that most people are only getting partial truths or misrepresented truths. Its like reading a book but only reading every 50th page. You get parts of it but not the whole story. And then you take those parts and fill in the missing pieces with what you want it to say. Its not accurate and its not the whole truth or the whole story.

I think what makes me the saddest is that there are so many places to go to find the truth. www.mormon.org and www.lds.org are the best places to go to find out more about the Mormon Church.

Another way you can find the truth is to talk to someone who is a practicing member of it. Go to the source. 

I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (mormon) my whole life but it wasn't until late into my teenage years that I became converted to the gospel.
 I had "borrowed" the testimony of others.
 I felt the spirit speak to me and I knew that what I was taught each week and what I read in the scriptures was true.

I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he saw the Angel Moroni and received the golden plates from him.

I knew that through the gifts of God he translated those plates into what we now know as The Book of Mormon.

I knew all of these things and I stood up for all of these things. 

But I had not had them strongly stitched into my heart. 

These truths and the knowledge I had of the gospel had not been stitched into every piece of my soul. 

I love the gospel.
I always have loved the gospel.
And I have always known it is true.

I faced many trials the last two years of high school. 

I found out I had a kidney disease.

I gotten beaten by my mother.

I went to live with a family from church whom I had not until that point ever met.

For  sometime I felt lost and confused.

I felt very alone and forgotten.

I prayed a lot during that time. 

I sought for the comfort and guidance of my father in Heaven.

He was there for me when I felt like no one else was.

Through my trials I grew! 

I came to know my Savior personally.

I came to cherish the gospel and found solace in the pages of the Book of Mormon.

I had the gospel of Jesus Christ so woven into my life that it became EVERYTHING I was and am today.

The church of Jesus Christ is my home. 

The gospel of Jesus Christ is everything I am.

I know that my Savior died on the cross for me.

I know that he rose and lives again, and that because of that I can live again with him and my family one day too.

I know that the temples have the power to seal families for all eternity.

I know that our forefathers established this country on their faith in a loving God.

I know that our Father in Heaven had a hand in making this country free. 

I have read many history books and in all of them I see Gods hand in the creating, protecting and the growth of America.

I KNOW that Joseph Smith saw a messenger of God and that he restored the church that Jesus Christ created while he was on this earth. 

I know that our Father in Heaven loves each of us and knows each of us. 

I know that we lived with him in heaven once and we knew him and he knew us. 

I know that we can live with him one day again.

I know that Families are Forever, ETERNAL. 

I know these things with every ounce of who I am. 

I have no doubt.

I have no questions.

I have no fear.

The true church is on this earth. And it is lead by a prophet of God. 

Why would a loving god remove his revelations from the earth?

I know that he hasn't. I know that there is a prophet on the earth in these latter days. 

I know that God has not forgotten us. 

President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God.

Adam, Moses, Abraham, Noah, Enoch, Jacob and many more men, are the prophets that God reveled his work to in the olden days. 

And just like in those times of old he still reveals his work to the world today, through his latter day prophets.

I know that if you are seeking for answers (in the right place) with an open heart and willing mind  that you can find them.

If you feel like something in your life is missing you will be able to find it.

If you want a relationship with your Father in Heaven and want to feel his arms around you all you have to do is ask.

 “Therefore, ask and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you…” 3 Nephi 27:29
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

The answers are out there and they are waiting for you.

Seek out the truth for yourself by reading the Book of Mormon and praying about it.

No one can create your faith for you. 

No one can tell you how to feel.

God gave us all agency and he wants us to seek him out and find him.

Our Father in Heaven is waiting with open arms and asks that you come unto him.

Our savior knows all that you have been through because he too has been through it. 

He bleed from every pore in the Garden of Gesthemane.

He was crucified on the cross and had nails driven into his hands, his wrists, his feet and side and when he was dieing he said to his father,

"Then ^asaid Jesus, Father, ^bforgive them; for they know not what ^cthey do. " -Luke 23:34

He plead for the forgiveness of those who persecuted him and killed him. He is a loving brother to us all and wants us to return to live with him again.

I ask that for those of you who want to know more about The Lds/mormon faith that you go to the source for the answers. We are not a church of secrets or a church of mystery. 

We have the truths, plan and simple and beautiful. 

Ask a member, or go to these sites www.mormon.org and www.lds.org and find the answers. Don't rely on hearsay or the media. Find the answers for yourself. Read the truths and pray about them and you will feel the truths speak to you. You will feel the spirit of God burning within you. And you will find the place where you belong.

My name is Aurie Jenkins. 

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. 

I am an avid lover of all things decorating, crafting and creating. 

I am a blogger and 

I AM A MORMON!

(all of these pictures where taken by me with my TOTALLY WONDERFUL camera at Temple Square in Salt Lake City, Utah. This temple is the Salt Lake City temple where work is done to seal families for time and all eternity. If you would like to know more about my faith, please ask, and I would love to answer any questions you have.)