What an end to 2013

Tayton and Braddoc were playing in the bath tub and we heard Tayton start screaming. 

I thought Noah was in the bathroom with them but he wasn't so he ran in to see what was going on. Braddoc had put soap in Tayton's eyes and so Noah started trying to help him wash the soap out of his eyes. He turned the shower on and was trying to get Tayton to put his eyes under the water but Tayton is terrified of the shower so he jerked away from Noah and in his soapy, wet, slippery mess he slipped out of Noahs arms and slammed his eyebrow into the side of the bathtub. 

I hear Noah start yelling for me and so I run upstairs to the bathroom and the first thing I see is blood every where. Noahs covered in it, Taytons covered in it and the bath water has turned pink. I pick up Tayton in a towel and run him downstairs while pressing the washrag to his forehead. By the time I was down the stairs the blood had soaked through the washrag and was all over my clothes and the towel. I had Noah grab an ice pack and we wrapped it in gauze and called a friend to come watch our other kids so we could take Tayton to the hospital. I did not want to leave him in the back of the van without me because he was so scared that he kept grabbing his cut.

We got to the ER and did not have to wait for very long.

As soon as we got back they looked at his wound and said they would talk to the Doctor about doing liquid stitches but as soon as the doctor looked at it he decided that it was too deep and they would need to do self dissolving stitches inside and on the outside so that we would not have to come back to have the stitches removed.

Noah had to hold down his feet and I held down his upper body. My face was literally only a few inches away from his cut, while the doctor stitched it up. I kept having to turn away because it made me so sick to my stomach to watch the needle go in and out of his skin. Every time the doctor pulled the needle back out I could feel myself holding back from throwing up and so I would have to close my eyes or look away. Anyone else have to watch your kid get stitches? Did it make you queasy too or is that just me?

The cut required 15 stitches and seemed to take forever. The doctor kept saying, "Only one more." or "Only 3 more." And then would have to do even more after he said that.  He cut was pretty deep and would bleed every time he pulled the needle back through.

This is our first kid to have stitches, and I hope our last, but I have 3 boys and a very daring little girl so I'm sure I have a very slim chance of that actually becoming a reality. Landon had to get staples in the back of his head when he was 4 (I think it was 4.... man my mommy memory is failing me.)

When they were done with the stitches Tayton was in great spirits. 

The Alabama game was on so we watched that while we waited to get released.

But before they could release us they had to ask us how the accident happened. 

We told them and then they asked Tayton and he said, "My dad dropped me on my head."

Noah and I both laughed at his little 3 year old version of what happened, but I don't think the nurse thought it was funny because we had to tell our story to 5 more people, and they all asked Tayton what his side of the story was. I think they thought we very abusing him, they sure looked at us that way at least. They had a family advocate come talk to us and she realized that we were good parents and laughed herself when Tayton told her what happened and said, "Wow, the simplicity of a three year olds story." Thankfully no one pressed us any farther.

Tayton still tells anyone who asks that his dad dropped him on his head.

He has a pretty wicked scar from it.

Im pretty sure the doctor really messed up because he even has a scar from the stitches.

We call it his Frankenstein scar. Hopefully it fades eventually or he will be rocking a mad scar for the rest of his life and telling everyone the story of how his dad dropped him on his head.

Noah said it will have a real positive effect on him when he starts dating. He said ladies like guys with scars. Hopefully thats true because Landon and Tayton both have some pretty fantastically brutal scars on their face. At least they are boys and thats a right of passage..... I think.

The pictures are not the greatest because I took them on my iphone and he did not want to sit still for me. But I think this picture shows his stitches very well. 

He had a full set inside and full set outside.

He also had a pretty nasty black eye and was so swollen.

The wholes where the stitches went in and out bled for a few days afterwards, which of course scared me, because well.... its blood. But thankfully the wonderful folks at webmd assured me that it was totally normal. (any of yall webmd your kids crazy symptoms too?)

Aowyn got tubes put in her ears in October.

She has not been talking very well and did not have a lot of words we could understand. All that was clear to us was Dada and ah-ma (mama). We kept thinking that maybe she had something wrong with her hearing. But did not push the issue because we knew she could hear us VERY well because she responded to everything we said and followed instructions to a T. 

We did finally ask for an appointment to the ENT. We found out that she could hear but that her ear drum was NOT vibrating at all when the sounds came in. So essentially she was hearing but her ear drums were not doing anything with the sound. So the crazy babble that she was talking in (all the time) was the same as what she was hearing. She had been having multiple ear infections (8 in a year) that Im pretty sure were not really going away. The doctor recommended tubes and by the next monday she was getting ready to get the tubes put in.

The surgery took about 15 minutes and she did really well.

The doctor said that she had a MASSIVE about of fluid build up behind her ear drums and that the fluid had to have been there for awhile because it was practically solid. The fluid took days to fully come out and she still requires ear drops every now and then to help the fluid stay out of her ear drums. She was in pain for a few days after the surgery but Tylenol helped a ton. She was soooo mad when she came out of the anesthesia and kept hitting me and throwing things at me. Eventually she calmed down and we were able to go home. 

She talks a lot now and we understand most of what she is saying.

I am so grateful for medical technology that assisted in my daughter being able to talk.

She still has a lot of words that sound jumbled but the doctor said it would take some time for her to be able to relearn words that she had heard wrong for so long. She may need speech therapy to help that but for now I am just enjoying hearing her say new, legible words every day.

Christmas Eve my eye was itching really bad and I had no idea why. 

I tried to leave it alone so that I didn't make it worse, but when I went to put my make up on I saw the source of the itching. 

I had burst some vessel in my eye and I had blood just free moving around in my eye.

It totally freaked me out and I called our medical friend who told me what was going on.

Essentially I had done something to bruise my eye and the blood would continue to seep out until it was all out and it would move around in my eye until that time. It would go through the same staged as a bruise and eventually turned blue and purple and then yellow until it was gone. It took a few weeks to go away and it itched the whole time, but I am very grateful it was nothing more then some type of eye bruise. Noah cracked me up because he was totally freaking out. He can't even watch me touch my eyes to put in my contacts. He told me he thought I had a brain tumor and that this was evidence of that.... (maybe someone looks on webmd a little too much.)

Thankfully it was not a brain tumor. 

And now I know what an eye bruise looks like.

Hard day for Braddoc

Today was a hard day on Braddoc. 

Autism and stores, especially grocery stores, are not great combos when it comes to Braddoc. 

You have smells coming from the foods. Noise is coming from all the carts, the freezers, the people, and the loud speakers. There are LOTS of colors and LOTS of things to see. 

All these things are enough to kick Braddoc's sensory levels into high gear. 

The poor guy has things coming at him from all directions and he does not know how to deal with them. He can't put them in compartments in his brain and deal with them as they come. 

He hears more things then we can, sees more things and smells more things and its all just too much for him.

I try not to take him with me every time but some times I have no other choice. 

I have found that if we can get something in his hands within the first minute or so that he has something to focus on and block out all the other sensory things going on around him. This usually works really well when he is alone with me. I talk to him and distract him and we have fun. But when his brothers are with us they touch him, and yell at him, and hit him, and try to mess with him and be silly, like boys do. All of that together makes it really hard for him. 

Today he picked out a box of cereal and sat in the cart and just looked at it for a good 10 minutes. He was very deep in thought and it was very sweet to watch.

 But then all "crap hit the fans" so to speak. 

Landon started touching his foot. 

Tayton kept saying "Beibers" over and over again.

Other peoples carts kept hitting ours.

I could tell Braddoc was trying so hard to not lose it and that the poor guy was so confused and overwhelmed. He starts to rock back and forth or squeeze himself or my arm/leg really tight.

I decided what things were NECESSARY for us to get through the night, grabbed that and then headed for the check out.

Everything was going good until the cashier messed up our order BIG time and over charged us by $40. 

She was taking a long time to fix it and Braddoc lost all control of his emotions and started grabbing every thing and touching every thing.

 He pulled out my wallet and dumped it all over the floor and when I bent down to pick it up he slapped me in the face. I talked to him about how that was not nice and hurt me. He started laughing and his eyes went blank and I could tell I had totally lost him. He was in defense mode and his mind was shutting down to "protect" itself.

While I was cleaning up my wallet he wedged himself between the check out lane and the cart and started grunting and fussing because he couldn't get out. When I tried to help him he just starting hitting me and grunting louder.

When we finally got done with the check out (and after I had 4 different people stop and tell me I had my hands full..... um yes, thanks! I really needed you to point that out. It really helped me....) I got money out of my wallet for the bagger and was going to give a dollar to each boy for them to hold. Braddoc started crying BIG HUGE CROCODILE TEARS! and grunted when I tried to give him the dollar.  He was jumping up and down and would not communicate with me. 

I hurt for him watching him.

We got to the car and I got all the other kids in while he stood there and cried. 

When I had gotten everyone in the car I went and held him (which is usually all I can do to calm him down) and he still cried, grabbed the car door and tried to get away from me. I just held him closer and rubbed his back (his favorite thing, and the best thing to calm him down). 

He grunted at me and twisted his body so I could not touch his back.

He kicked me and hit me and spit at me. 

He pushed at me and tried to get his feet between me and him.

He was gone, my little sweet boy was not there.

I started to rub his head, while he was hitting me, while we were sitting on the edge of the car in the parking lot and I started to cry. 

I had tears streaming down my face because I was at a loss. 

I did not know what to do for my sweet boy. 

I was lost and I was hurt and I was overwhelmed and most of all I ached for him.

I wanted to know where my little boy was, because this little boy I was holding seemed like just a shell. I loved him even more. I cried because I didn't even remotely know what he was going through, trapped in his own head.

This continued for about 20 minutes and then I said a silent prayer and felt like I needed to just leave him alone. 

I sat him in the front seat and closed the door. I sat down in the back and let him do his thing. 

He cried for a little bit longer and just sat there like a statue.

But after about 5 minutes you could slowly feel the spirit about him change.

He started to touch the door. 

He turned his head and looked out the window.

He pushed the buttons on the radio.

He started to make noises.

And then he turned to me and smiled and said "Hi mommy, I love you!" and the tears started again.

I think this is the hardest part about Autism so far for me. Its the aching for him. The pain I feel at watching him fight it and wondering where my son is and if he is hurting inside.

I am getting to the point where I can tell first thing in the morning whether Braddoc is going to have a good day or a hard day and so its easier to prepare. 

Today I loved him even more, but I also needed a break from him even more.

He exhausts me!

He tests my patience!

He makes me question everything I do!

And he loves me more then I could ever imagine a little boy loving his mother.

And I love him more for it too.

I love him for the battle that he has to fight every day.

I love him for the choice spirit that he is.

I love that he is my son and I am his mom.

I don't know why Heavenly Father thought he or I needed this trial. 

Some day's I don't think I am the mom for it, but every day I am proven wrong and we make it through another hard day.

Some days I want to run away from all the heart ache I can feel as a mother, hurting for my kids.

And some days I can't imagine a more perfect life.

My brother with Braddoc

Braddoc is one of the most loving, sweetest boys I know. He loves to give hugs and kisses and tell you how awesome you are.

Weight loss journey

Our last baby, Aowyn, was a surprise pregnancy. I had not lost all of my baby weight yet from baby number 3, Tayton. In fact I still had almost 25 pounds extra on me that I had not lost from his pregnancy. Needless to say with Aowyn I weighed more then I EVER have in my entire life. When I went to the hospital to have her I weighed 204 pounds. When I got pregnant with Tayton, (only 27 months before) I weighed 130 pounds. When I got home from the hospital after having Aowyn I weighed 193 pounds. So in my mind I had 63 pounds I needed to lose and I knew it wasn't going to come off quickly.

The first 15 came off in the first few months without much work. Since I was suffereing through post partum depression I hated myself, I hated how fat I thought I was and how I was too weak to do anything about it. I tried several times to work out and to eat right, but my heart was never in it, since my heart really wasn't in anything. At one time I started running and was doing well at that and then I hurt my bursa sack in my knee. I got some kidney stones and had set back after set back and I just never really committed. 

Then this past April I started feeling better and I got the will power I needed to work my butt off (pun intended). I started portion controlling and counting my calories. I started killing myself at the gym. I was running, lifting weights, going to zumba and working out every spare second I had at home. It started to pay off quickly. In just 4 weeks I went from 177 to 165. I had the will power, I was seeing results and I was making a lift style change. I felt so good about where I was headed. 

In the beginning of May I had some awesome friends come up with the idea of doing a weight loss challenge where we weighed in every week. I jumped at that! I am a goal oriented person and I work better under pressure so this was just the thing I needed. Plus I am SUPER OVER THE TOP competitive. Who me? Never? Um, yeah no sorry, I can't deny it, anyone who knows me knows that about me. So this weight loss "smack down" was just the thing I needed. I stayed steady some weeks losing 4 pounds and some

 weeks only 1 but never gaining and progressively doing better each week. I wasn't just losing weight, I was finding myself. I was getting in better shape. I felt healthier and I was changing my eating habits and changing me. 

I went and had some nutritional tests run on me, for me, and all about me in the middle of June. It was at a place called Metatest. It was wonderful because I had hit a plateau and hadn't really been losing any significant weight in awhile, just about a pound a week, which was okay, but since I felt like I was killing myself at the gym I was hoping for better. I was told that my body and cardio are not really friends. When I do cardio I burn so much calories that my body hoards them and stores them so I don't also lose the weight as fast. They told me to lift HEAVY weights and gave me a caloric meal plan and calorie intake plan for the day and how many Fats, Protiens and Carbs I needed to take in at every meal. They told me how much access fat I had on my body and therefor how much weight I still needed to lose. It was amazing and has changed my life. I feel even better then before. I lose around 2 pounds a week and even when I went on vacation I still lost weight. I don't work out as much. I go to zumba twice a week and that's all the cardio I do and then I lift Heavy weights for about 20 minutes 2-3 times a week. And by heavy weights I mean, grunting, straining, feeling like I am going to die with each rep, but I am doing it and I am so proud of myself and I LOVE it. I never knew I would love weight lifting so much, but I have not seen or felt certain bones or parts of my body in years (like teenage me years). I am now 140 pounds so that's 37 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I am not done yet either. I still have about 10 more pounds that I want to lose, but so far I am super happy with how I am. 

This picture is of me when I hit 140 pounds and the pants I am holding up are pants that only fit me for about a month. I was able to fit into them when I hit 165 and then I kept on wearing them the more weight I lost, I just kept cinching up the belt, but this day I put them on and they fell off of me as soon as I let go of them. I did the biggest happy dance when I hit 165 and could fit into them and then an even bigger happy dance when they fell off of me. 

First food, Its about time!

Tayton is underweight, which is nothing new but because of that we have been waiting (un)patiently for him to be able to eat rice cereal to hopefully boost his weight gain to more then 12 grams a day (which is good for a 4 month old who gained weight normally up until this point but its not fast enough for him now because he is tech. 2 months). So needless to say we have now started rice cereal and he LOVES it. He is a pretty clean eater too, he doesnt spit it all out like his brothers did he actually gulps it all down. He does stick his hands in his mouth so if Im not holding them down he will get them in there and then get rice cereal all over his hands and then smile at me about it. He makes me laugh! He grunts and kicks his legs so hard when he sees me with the food. It always cracks me up that babies cry when they see food, like when Im trying to get everything "out" to breast feed he does the fake fussing, it cracks me up, Im right here getting ready to feed you and now you fuss. ahh babies they are too funny!!!
(side note: today at his check up he was 9 lbs 15.5 oz [yippie almost 10 lbs] and 24 1/4 inches)

There is the tongue again. :O) yummy!!! Yummy food!!!

I love love love his ears! I think they are just adorable!

He loved his food! such a cutie (see the poor scratches on his forhead? those would be his love from his big brother Lenny... I mean braddoc)

Oh so cute!!! I think he is just so cute in this picture, I love that face and how happy he looks. Again I love those ears.

Cracks me up with his eyes closed... must be savoring his food.

More tongue! He loves his tongue and I think its just so adorable, its always coming out "to say hello"

Surgery

As many of you know from a few posts ago I have been battleing kidney stones. I discovered recently that I had one too big to pass and was rushed to the emergency room a little over a week ago. I also found out I have something called Sponge Kidney disease, but Ill tell you more about that later. I had to wait a few days before they could do surgery and so last friday I had surgery done. The surgery had some ups and downs and took several hours longer then expected. The stone was also much larger then they taught and they are pretty sure its been the same big stone that has been causing me problems since October and all the smaller ones I have been passing have just been pieces from it. Anyway 5 hours after returning home I was rushed to the emergency room again. Long story short I wound up staying there till Sunday night and have been home since, however I have had someone with me and the boys night and day. I can hardly move to take care of myself let alone the boys. I am so greatful for all the wonderful ladies in my ward (who are also friends) who have stepped up and just taken over my house and fixed us meals, brought flowers and goodies, taken care of my kids, stayed the night with me, put my kids to bed, helped me to the bathroom and up and down from bed. They have all been angels and I dont know how I would be doing it without them. Words can not express how much they all mean to me. It makes me sick to my stomach too look at the computer for too long, or to really think so I just wanted to update everyone and I will give more info when I am feeling better. Thank you to all of you who have helped me so far, you really are amazing women and I am so blessed to have you in my life, you have all demonstrated true christ like love and have taught me and given me so much. Thank you thank you thank you! I really would be lost without you.

Ode to the kidney stone

Why me!????

Why do you chose to "grace" me with your presence at such inopportune times,

like pregnancies, labor, weddings, vacations,

and now of all times to visit me

you have to do it while my husband is away

and I have to deal with you on my own today.

You must love me because you visit me more often then family

and more often then mother nature,

but I must tell you feeling is NOT mutual

I loathe you!

Dispise you!

And wish that you did not exsist.

I have to say I find it rather odd that this is the trial I am blessed with

I dont drink milk, I donk drink soda and I drink lots of water.

So I repeat why me!!???

What about me is so special?

Please go away and never come back!!!

The bottom photo is a close up of what a stone looks like. Can you imagine that going through your urianry tract, cutting up everything it touches, talk about an excrusiating pain!!!! I hate these stupid things!!! And hope I pass this one quickly!!!

More Landon News!

Landon is growing up so fast, he has got so many facial expressions, I often wonder what he is thinking, what is going through his sweet little head. He has taken to his daddy very well since Noah quit wearing cologne, they are best buds. He loves to be held be his daddy and will sometimes just stare up at him and get a big grin on his face. Yesterday he was just a giggling when Noah was holding him and talking to him. Noah tells him secrets and makes him promise not to tell anyone, especially mommy, and Landon always starts cooing and gurling when Noah asks him if he can do that, Im not sure if he is agreeing or not. If you are holding him slightly he can push up from his knees to a standing position. He also loves it when I put some of the juices from whatever we are eating for dinner on my finger and let him lick it off. Yesterday for lunch I had left over Chicken Noodle cassarole and I was feeding some of the gooey parts to him and he was loving it. When he was done with what was in his mouth he would look at me and start moving his head as close to me as he could get it and smacking his lips. I also give him some of my popsicle whenever I am eating one and he gets this big wide eyed grin, he of course makes a big mess and slobbers everywhere, but he loves every minute of it and its just so cute to watch. We are going to ask the doctor next visit when is the earliest we can give him baby food, cause he really seems to like it. He is also drolling a lot and like to chew on things, namely his hands and mommy or daddys shoulders, so we felt the inside of his mouth and it feels like he is getting teeth. He also has in the last few weeks discovered his tongue and likes to lick our faces or shoulders. He also sticks it out whenever he if laying down on the bed and makes slurping sounds with it. He has had trouble pooping, so we went to the doctor to see if everything was okay. We had been having to give him a home version of an enima, we would stick the bottom thermometer in his butt and massage his tummy, it worked like a charm, but we did not like having to help him poop, we wanted him to not be so uncomfortable and be able to do it on his own. The doctor said that everything was okay with him, but that it did look like he was getting the makes of a hernia by his right testie, so we have to keep an eye on that. In the mean time, my mother sent us so essential oils to help calm him and help with the colick. It seems to be working, it has moved his crying time from about 3 hours at night to anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, and getting shorter each time. The amazing thing about it though is that it has helped Landon poop on his own, he is now going about 3-4 times a day by himself. Its actually rather cute because you can tell he is going to the bathroom, he grunts a lot and really loud. The other day I woke up to him giggling because he was pooping, I could not help but laugh and kiss him all over. There is nothing in the world like waking up, opening your eyes, and seeing your beautiful babys bright smiling face staring up at you. He has graduated from sleeping on my stomach to sleeping inbetween me and Noah, and surprisingly Noah has managed not to smooch him, yet. Landon takes up the whole bed however, by spreading out his arms as far as he can and kicking the whole night, Noah and I are both huging the edge of the bed for dear life. We both joke that we are going to have to get bed rails so we dont fall off the bed. Our baby is growing up too fast, I guess those extra 11 days in utero did that too him. I was driving by the elementary school the other day and saw some dads in uniform waiting outside for their kids. One little boy came running out of his classroom and jumped into his dads arms. I started to cry because I can see Landon doing that and I can just see the years zooming by. We are cherishing every moment with him because before we know it he will be going off on his own, I only hope that we are able to teach him all that we can before that time comes. Each day with him is a gift from god and I am so thankful that I am so blessed to be his mother and to be able to wake up next to one of gods miracles each and everyday. I valued the time when he is this little and wants to sleep with mommy and daddy, because one day that will be a fleeting memory that we can only look back on and smile with the deepest of love and gratitude.